I have been away from the constant creative thoughts in my mind for so long now, that when I try to turn them back on to create something I feel like I have to push through cobwebs to get to the ideas. I feel like I have this huge amount of creative energy building up inside of me but no way to access or release it.

I remember being younger and everyone telling me that if Art was what I loved then it was something I should pursue as a career. I also remember being appalled by the idea. A job is something you do to survive, you don't mix business with pleasure. Surely they knew that if you were forced to be creative in order to survive, it becomes less of an escape and more of an obligation, you may even grow to resent it. I never wanted to resent Art, it has always been my release, my escape.

I made a website a year ago. I place where I could make things at my leisure and share them with others. It's not a big thing, in fact it would probably be shallow to most people that consider themselves artists. I would like to believe that I am an artist, but in reality I know I have M U C H to learn in that aspect and would be embarrassed to present my self as so. Anyway, I digress, I made this site and it was fun and it gave me a release but as time went on and I got a "real" job, I did not have the time to spend on the upkeep and maintenance and this outlet soon became an obligation. Now whenever I open photoshop, instead of letting my creativity flow, I feel like I am pressed to produce something that can be used on the website. I almost regret opening the program and I feel guilty it I don't devote the time I should to it.

Responsibility sucks.

Sometimes I have this profound moments where everything in my head makes sense. Things come together just as I envisioned, and low and behold, something artistic is born. Then for a brief fleeting moment I can look at this creation that I have brought to life and feel good about something.

This hasn't happened in some time now.

I have a theory, my theory is that society wants us to be mindless, brainless, creativity-less, drones. Devoid of any emotion, talent and passion. I always had ideas and creative juices flowing in my head while I was unemployed. As soon as I join the "happy" masses and drone on 9 to 5 like every other "normal" citizen, I suddenly feel like I have been snacked on by some idea sucking vampire. Where did my inspiration go? How come I can't make a square in photoshop without it being lopsided? Why is it that everything I do is starting to look the same?

I think flesh eating zombies come and suck on the left side of my brain while I'm at work, this can be the only plausible explanation.